“Family Column January 2010″ by Barbara Dohaney

When I sit down to write, I find that I really need to be in a certain mindset and relaxed space to have the writing juices flow. If not, I feel as many authors lament “writers block”. Of course when I feel this so called “writers block” I wouldn’t even dare determine myself a “writer”. 

Alright then, on with it…

I was just regaling about the demons of writers block because that is exactly where I was this week until I went to my favorite health food store very early one morning to nab a couple of cans of cat food to satisfy two crying kitties at home. I was writing an article on parenting. A pretty broad subject I would say. But I was smugly thinking this would be a piece of cake. After all, I raised seven children of my own who are now grown and in my humble and biased opinion all “wonderful”.

While standing in the checkout line I began a conversation with a darling little girl about 3+ years old. “You’re out early this morning. Did you get Mommy up really early?” I said. I caught a grimace and confirming expression from Mom. Then the little girl asked her Mom; “Can I have a lollipop? Please, please, pleeeeeeze!”  Mom’s reply in the softest, sweetest of voices; “No, but thanks so very much for asking”.

I wanted to forget everything I ever knew about parenting, scrap my article and ask this woman for her autograph and an in-depth interview. WOW! What a response. I arrived home, crumpled up my article and began again.

In truth there is so much information out there, in every available media about parenting, it is dizzying. How are parents to know the correct path to take to give the best tools to our little ones in this fast moving world we live in and create harmony in and outside our homes? After all, we all want kids with great manners, respect for others, who excel in school, sports, etc. (etc means everything) and the list goes on. Or do we? Have we created a society that puts so much pressure on our children that much of their young lives are spent trying to please our desired behaviors, wished talents and dreams for them and not their own?

Parenting really is a balancing act. As parents, we are sitting on the fence most of the time. On one side we really give it to them when they act up and let them know whatever action was unacceptable. Or we attempt to calmly work it out. On the other side of the fence, we turn a blind eye and pretend not to see what is happening and let our children work it out themselves. We are either too tired to deal with it or don’t want to be harping negatively at the kids ALL the time.  The rest of the time we are sitting on the fence guessing which side we need to be on that particular day.

All this parenting activity going on 24/7, while we work, cook , clean, drive, exercise, stay looking young and sexy (heaven forbid), connect with teachers/parents/church, have a great relationship with our partners/friends/family and of course immerse ourselves in personal development and self enlightenment.

The truth is, at least in my experience, each of these little souls that come into our lives is different. There is no step by step rule book that has blanket coverage for all children. My recipe wasn’t always easy and my children were the same as all others. You know; paint the wall at 3 yrs, sneak friends over at 12yrs, wreck the car at 16yrs and so on. But I constantly informed them how great they were; even when they thought they were too old to hear it. I showered them with as much love as possible while insisting the household rules were followed, unless of course they wanted to pay the mortgage and expenses. Under those conditions I just might let them have some input.

When I was too tired, cranky or angry I separated us to our bedrooms or I just went for a drive. I knew I would only give unfair, undue anger and words when I was in this personal space. I used all the famous quotes. “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?” Some were better than others. “You’re Captain of your own ship” or my personal favorite  “Well, I think you may be a bit young to participate in this activity, but just for this once I am going to let you go and we’ll see how you make out. We’ll evaluate tomorrow. If you are old enough and mature enough, things will turn out great. If not, we will re think things together.”

Of course there are times we have to let them be so angry at us and even say they “hate” us for saying NO and keep our smooth calm demeanor until they get over it. Like the time my fourteen year old daughter wanted to go on a date with a street performer who was the most wonderful person she had ever met. There is no such thing as “peace at any price”. Parenting by this decree sees much war and unrest later when the children begin to become adults and this can last a lifetime.

We are their best friends, their confidants, the evil person in their lives, the weirdest, most outdated person they know; yet in the depths of their beautiful constantly changing hearts, they just want parents who are not afraid or too self consumed to parent them, to be assured that we love them unconditionally with all our hearts, that we accept and approve of them and will support them through all the crazy thing they do while growing up. JUST LIKE WE DID!

Keep laughter, fun and love in your life every day.

Barbara Dohaney 1.10.10